


KANEKI KEN AND THE TOKYO GHOUL SCHOOL

by comawhite



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Basketball, Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Marching Band, Band geeks - Freeform, Comedy, Crack, High School, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-16
Updated: 2015-07-27
Packaged: 2018-03-30 17:49:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3946009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/comawhite/pseuds/comawhite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A high school AU in which Hide wants Kaneki to join the basketball team with him, but after buying Rize's clarinet for a laughable price, Kaneki's heart is in the marching band. Uta is a pothead, Suzuya is a juvenile delinquent (but everyone loves him), Seidou can't pronounce anyone's name, Tsukiyama is extra (but that's nothing new), Hide's dad is a former athlete with big muscles, Kaneki's mom is alive, Kaneki has a crush on everyone including Harry Styles, and I am going to hell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i have hit an all-time low

"Don't get mixed up with those band geeks," Hide warned him, so long ago. If only Kaneki had listened.  
  
The moment Rize Kamishiro offered to let Kaneki try playing her clarinet that summer, he was in love. Okay, so maybe she sold it to him for $20 because she was sick of the school band, and maybe she immediately kicked him out of her house afterwards, but so what? Love is love, thought Kaneki as he blew into his beloved clarinet until his face turned red.  
  
"KANEKI KEN, I SWEAR TO GOD," screamed his mother from downstairs. "I WISH I NEVER GAVE YOU THE $20 TO BUY THAT DAMN THING. IF YOU GET SPIT ALL OVER THE WALLS OR THE CARPET AGAIN, I'LL TAKE YOUR BOOKS AWAY."  
  
Kaneki grinned. He had been clever this time, choosing to practice in front of the mirror instead of by the wall. He enjoyed watching himself, clad only in boxers and socks, giving life to beautiful music. It also prevented him from getting spit on the walls. As he expected, his pasty, scrawny reflection was spattered with spittle, but the walls were pristine. Success. His One Direction posters and shelf of Harry Styles memorabilia were untouched. Double success. He picked a collared shirt off the ground, found a dorky sweater vest in his dresser, and threw both of them on before he ran downstairs. His mother's jaw dropped when she saw him, and at first Kaneki swelled with pride, thinking that he must look really good today. Then he looked down and realized that he had forgotten to put pants on.  
  
Once fully clothed, Kaneki was ready for his first day of school. He met up with Hide and walked with him as usual. "What's up, Kaneki?" he asked, flashing a bright smile. Kaneki blushed at the sight of sunflower boy's glorious smiling face, even though he'd seen it just about every day of his life. He couldn't imagine a situation where he'd leave Hide's side, except for some kind of tragic metamorphosis in which Kaneki would eat human flesh and eventually become a ruthless killer after being tortured for ten days.  
  
"N-nothing," he stammered. "I've just been practicing my clarinet, you know..."  
  
Hide started. "Clarinet? I told you not to get mixed up with the band geeks! Some weird shit goes down with that group. And I thought we were trying out for the basketball team this year."  
  
"When are the tryouts again?" Kaneki inquired, staring down at the ground abashedly. He would have to convince Hide that the clarinet was a thing of beauty, and then he'd see.  
  
"This week," Hide replied.  
  
"What? Is basketball even a fall sport?"  
  
Hide shrugged. "Hell if I know. In fact, I can't even dribble a ball, much less throw one without hitting myself in the face. But I want to make my dad proud."  
  
Kaneki shuddered at the mention of Mr. Nagachika. He was a former college basketball player/Olympic swimmer/marathon runner/professional bowler with huge, bulging muscles and a vein on his forehead that pulsed when he was angry, which was often. Kaneki remembers one morning after a totally platonic, friendly, non-sexual, totally not gay, just bros being bros sleepover (and he totally didn't give Hide like five blowjobs or annything). Mr. Nagachika's coffee was hot, rather than lukewarm the way he preferrred it, and so he spent the rest of the day in his man cave smelling his bacon-flavored candles and yelling continuously. He was a scary man with none of his sunflower son's lovely, sweet qualities. How such an ill-tempered man contributed half the genetic material that made up Kaneki's best friend who he definitely did not make out with all the time was beyond him.  
  
"He'd be proud if you joined with me, too," Hide added. "I know you're afraid of him, but my dad actually thinks you're great, Kaneki. He's glad we're just guys bein dudes."  
  
"My dad thinks YOU'RE great, too!" Kaneki spluttered.  
  
"Kaneki," Hide intoned gently, "your dad died when you were little."  
  
"Oh, right," Kaneki confirmed as they approached the school. "That's true."  
  
As usual, Uta was standing in the grass right outside the front doors. He wore a tie-dye shirt, baggy sweatpants, and a multicolored beanie. Uta had failed many grades, and was still a sophomore despite being in his 20s. "Hey, how's my favorite couple?" he called out, waving to them. "Wanna buy some dank kush?"  
  
"No thanks, Uta," said Hide. "We don't smoke, and anyway, don't you just sell people bags of parsley and tell them it's weed?"  
  
"That's a malicious lie spread my my competitors in the business!" Uta cried. Hidekane ignored him and entered the school.  
  
In his first class, Kaneki was surprised to see that the truant Suzuya Juuzou had showed up. The teacher, a cute little brown-haired man in a blue suit, had a look of dispair on his face when he saw the small white-haired boy reclining in his chair with his slippered feet on the desk in front of him. _He's definitely heard of Juuzou,_ thought Kaneki, watching the teacher's hand tremble as he wrote MR. TAKIZAWA on the blackboard.  
  
"Good morning, class," said Mr. Takizawa. One of his eyes twitched. "My name is Seidou Takizawa and I graduated at the top of my class at the University of --" Juuzou sneezed loudly, drowning out Mr. Takizawa's voice, but everyone knew what he was talking about anyway.  
  
"Um, Mr. Takizawa," said Hide, who sat next to Kaneki. "Didn't Ms. Mado graduate at the top of that class, while you were second?"  
  
"SHUT UR SUNFOWER-ASS ROOTS-SHOWING-ASS MOUTH, DICKBRAIN," Mr. Takizawa shouted. "DON'T U DARE MENTION MY RIVAL AKIRA MADO OR MY UNREQUITED LOVE FOR HER IN THIS CLASSROOM. ESPECIALLY NOT WHILE I AM CRYING TO LANA DEL REY SONGS AT MY DESK WHILE YOU DO READING ASSIGNMENTS. dfkjladslfjas."  
  
Hide burst into tears. Kaneki immediately went to his boyfriend's aid and wrapped his arms around him. "Once, there was an ugly barnacle, and he was so ugly that everyone died," he whispered. Hide laughed shakily; Spongebob SquarePants references always calmed him down. Kaneki continued to quote the Campfire Song Song until Hide's tears came to a stop.  
  
"Sorry about that outburst, class," Mr. Takizawa muttered, clearing his throat and adjusting his tie. "Okay, I guess I should take role now..."  
  
"Cajun shrimp takeout," Mr. Takizawa called, squinting at the classroom roster. Apparently, he wasn't going in alphabetical order.  
  
An attractive girl with a purple emo haircut looked up from her iPhone and raised her hand. Kaneki's bisexual heart did a backflip. "Uh, do you mean Kirishima Touka?"  
  
"That's exactly what I said, punk," Mr. Takizawa growled. Touka shrugged and went back to playing with her phone. "Alright...Nicki Nickio?"  
  
"Nishio Nishiki," said a bespectacled boy in the back row.  
  
"That's what I said," Takizawa insisted. "I hate all of you. Okay, Banjo Kazooie?"  
  
"Here," said a huge man sitting a few seats away from Kaneki who was probably too old to be in high school. He had a spiral beard that confused Kaneki quite a bit. "But um, my name is actually Banjou Kazuichi."  
  
"Your death will be my holiday," Takizawa quipped, smiling. "Next is...Sue yammer shoes?"  
  
"Oui, that is moi," replied a violet-haired boy in extravagant clothing who sat on Kaneki's other side, nibbling a baguette. Kaneki's bisexual heart did yet another backflip. Why were these purple-haired people so gorgeous? This one looked like he was fresh off a Louis Vouitton runway. "But my name is Tsukiyama Shuu. If you do not pronounce my name properly, I will hire someone to destroy everything you love and make you a very sad man, monisseur. Hon hon hon, Eiffel Tower."  
  
"Noted, Mr. Tsukiyama, sir," said Takizawa, looking flustered. He glanced back down at the roster. "Kaneggy McKenny?"  
  
"Be the one who gets hurt," Kaneki muttered under his breath. He willed himself not to correct his teacher. He would be the one who gets hurt, not the one who hurts. Aloud, he said, "Here, Mr. Takizawa."  
  
"Finally, one of you ugly failed abortions has some respect," Takizawa sighed. "In another universe, I'd hunt half of you down and turn your organs into weapons, I swear to god. Alright, Suzuya JuuzOHMYGOD--"  
  
Juuzou was crouched on the desk, less than an inch from Takizawa's face. Somehow, no one even noticed that he had left his desk until Takizawa started yelling. Juuzou licked Takizawa's face, and the entire class broke out in a resounding "awwww" because everything Juuzou does is adorable even when he's being scary, let's face it. "When's lunch?" Juuzou asked.  
  
Tears streamed from Mr. Takizawa's eyes. "Lunch is now," he sobbed. "I'm ending class early and sending you all to the cafeteria. I won't finish calling role. Everyone get out of here. Just LEAVE. I am not cut out for this job. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god."


	2. kaneki meets some band geeks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaneki eats tasteless school food and contemplates death. Tsukiyama pulls a rose out of his pants. The band geeks make their debut. Hide's ears bleed. Yamori is a nice dude. AND MUCH MORE.

"I can't believe we've been waiting here for hours," Kaneki yawned. He and Hide were sitting at a table in the middle of the cafeteria that was otherwise deserted.  
  
Hide sighed and nodded in response. At the table to their left, Suzuya sat surrounded by a crowd of classmates, who watched in awe as he downed copious amounts of apple juice. The crowd cheered and yelled as the pile of juice boxes grew and grew. Juuzou himself seemed totally unaffected by the hideous volume of juice he had consumed, but the dead look in his eyes told Kaneki that Juuzou wished he had another flavor. _Apple must be getting boring,_ Kaneki thought.  
  
The table to their right seated those of Hidekane's classmates who chose not to watch Juuzou drown his insides in apple concentrate. Most were quiet and listless, dipping stale waffle sticks into packaged maple syrup and playing with their phones. Once the cafeteria workers realized that the class really had been shuffled off to the cafeteria by their teacher, despite the fact that it was only 10AM at the time, they gave the students free reign over the juice and waffle sticks. Kaneki had actually eaten several of those waffle sticks himself, finding that they were dry, flavorless, and had a texture resembling that of styrofoam, but something about them was oddly comforting. Maybe it was because Kaneki could count on the blandness of the waffle sticks, the way he could count on the inevitable approach of death, the only thing that is truly reliable. As Kaneki contemplated death, Hide licked syrup off of his fingers, which kinda turned Kaneki on.  
  
Another thing that kinda turned Kaneki on was Tsukiyama, who was sitting on the other side of the cafeteria. About a half an hour prior, the wannabe European set down his baguette to gaze at Kaneki, wiggling his eyebrows in what was either a suggestive gesture or a nervous twitch. _He's been doing that for a while, without even stopping,_ thought Kaneki, feeling his cheeks flush. _What a man._  
  
Noticing Kaneki's reddened face, Tsukiyama stood up, purple eyebrows still dancing, to approach him. He crossed the threshold of the cafeteria to where Kaneki sat. " _Ciao, bellezza!_ I heard you bought Rize's clarinet." said Tsukiyama with a bow. He pulled a red rose out of his pants and handed it to Kaneki, who blushed harder.  
  
"Broccoli," Kaneki agreed, nodding. He assumed that _broccoli_ was an Italian word, so it must be appropriate. Tsukiyama seemed pleased, at least.  
  
Hide frowned. "Tsukiyama, I told you to stay away from my...friend," he grunted.  
  
Kaneki looked at Hide, then back at Tsukiyama. "You two know each other?"  
  
"We were lab partners in chemistry class last year," Hide confirmed, crossing his arms and narrowing his eyes. "He saw you on my phone background and he asked for your number. He's a creep."  
  
"You are so harsh, _mon girasole,_ " Tsukiyama chucked. He took a seat next to Kaneki, ignoring Hide's squeals of discontent. "You say I am creepy, but are you not the one whose iPhone wallpaper is our _dolce_ little friend Kaneki? Hon hon hon croissant. I cannot blame you, however. Kaneki looked quite _magnifique_ in that photo."  
  
Hide lunged at Tsukiyama and missed, leaving him face-down on the grimy cafeteria floor. Helping him up, Kaneki asked, "Tsukiyama, why are you still doing that with your eyebrows?"  
  
"They won't stop," Tsukiyama explained. His eyebrows were literally rotating 360 degrees. "I moved them too much and now they just...will not stop. It is not _bene_ , not _bene_ at all."  
  
Just then, a loud crashing sound rang through the cafeteria, causing everyone to turn and look towards the door. A glum-looking purple-haired boy in a Linkin Park t-shirt and bondage pants from Hot Topic stood with one leg straight up, apparently having kicked the door down. He sauntered towards Tsukiyama, a group of students with band instrument cases marching behind him.  
  
"Is that Sasuke Uchiha?" asked Kaneki, eyes wide.  
  
"I HEARD THAT," said Sasuke. "NO. I AM AYATO KIRISHIMA. THE MORE RUDE AND BADASS OF THE KIRISHIMA SIBLINGS."  
  
In the corner of the room, Touka heaved with laughter. Tsukiyama ran up to the group, arms outstretched. "Ah, my bandmates! Come, meet Kaneki Ken, the keeper of Rize's old clarinet!"  
  
"THIS CHUMP BOUGHT RIZE'S INSTRUMENT?" Ayato gasped, cringing. He looked Kaneki up and down, seeming to grow more displeased by the second. "WHAT THE HELL. FIRST WE GET ANIMATED BY THAT SECOND-RATE STUDIO PIERROT, AND NOW THIS. WELL THAT'S JUST FUCKIN PEACHY"  
  
A broad man in a suit stepped out from the group of band geeks. Like Banjou, he looked far too old to be a high school student, but something about him seemed so sweet, so pure. "Aw, Ayato, give him a chance," he crooned as he laid a hand on the Linkin Park fan's shoulder. "You never know. He could be very talented!"  
  
"GOD YAMORI YOU'RE TOO NICE." Ayato glared at Kaneki, who almost pissed himself. Hide snarled at the band geeks. "FINE. LET'S SEE WHAT HE'S GOT. GO AHEAD, YOU SCRUB. PERFORM."  
  
"Uh, okay," Kaneki agreed. Yamori smiled at him, a gleam of sincere kindness in his widely-spaced eyes. Kaneki smiled back, feeling reassured by Yamori's support. He knew that Yamori was the exact opposite of Jason from Friday the Thirteenth, that he would never torture someone for ten days. Kaneki pulled his clarinet out of his backpack, took a deep breath, and blew into it with all his might.  
  
Immediately, the cafeteria errupted. Hide, who was nearest to the blast of sound, screamed and cupped his bleeding ears before falling to his knees. Yamori fainted at the sight of the blood. Tatara, a tall and quiet man in Ayato's group who Kaneki knew from his algebra class the previous year, jumped into a nearby trash can. Juuzou shrieked and stabbed Banjou with a plastic knife. Touka hid under a table with a small green-haired girl who had come with Ayato and the other band geeks. Ayato himself hid behind Noro, whose name Kaneki knew because he had been voted "nicest smile" in last year's yearbook. Noro himself seemed uneffected, though he had been hit by a huge glob of saliva from the clarinet.  
  
"Oh dear," muttered Yamori, who was waking up. "You're going to need a lot of practice."  
  
"PRACTICE?" Ayato shrieked, jumping out from behind Noro. He attempted to grab Yamori's shoulders and shake him, but he was too short. "NO AMOUNT OF PRACTICE WILL TEACH THAT WALKING CLUSTERFUCK HOW TO PLAY CLARINET."  
  
"Don't be so negative, Ayato!" Yamori chided. "With love, care, and proper training, anyone can learn. We will nurture this boy, and we will teach him the values of friendship and the power of music as he grows from a sweatervested caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly."  
  
"Yehff pleeff," Kaneki agreed, though he thought he was good at clarinet already. He was trying to say _yes please_ , but pieces of his reed were wedged between his teeth. Somehow, the reed had exploded during his performance.  
  
"He's our only option," Tatara sighed. "With Rize refusing to stay in the band this year, we have no clarinet player."  
  
Ayato stomped in frustration. "GODDAMMIT."  
  
A high-pitched sound rang out then, but this time it was not Kaneki's clarinet. Kaneki looked towards the door to see that a bulky middle-aged man in gym shorts and a polo was blowing a whistle, causing all the students to turn to face him. "What's all this ruckus?" the man said once he had finished blowing the whistle.  
  
"Coach Shinohara!" Juuzou squeaked. He bounded up to the coach, grinning. "Look, I showed up at school today, just like I promised! You'll let me join the basketball team, right?"  
  
"Great job! You can join as long as you keep on coming to school like you did today," said Shinohara. He patted Juuzou on the head. "That was our agreement, remember? No more truancy this year. And please try to keep stabbing to a minimum."  
  
"Yes sir," Juuzou agreed, hoping that the coach wouldn't notice Banjou bleeding out on the ground.  
  
"Oh, are you the coach?" Hide asked. His ears were still bleeding, but years of sleeping next to Kaneki -- who kicked and thrashed about in his sleep -- made him resistant to the pain now that it was no longer fresh. "When are basketball tryouts?"  
  
"Tomorrow," Shinohara said. "Be there or be square!"  



	3. kaneki tries out for the team

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hide tells Kaneki to firmly grasp it. Juuzou balls too hard. Twinks tussle on the basketball court. Urie thinks he'll get a promotion. They all get their heads in the game!! And more evidence that I know nothing about basketball.

Kaneki and Hide watched in awe as the tiny Juuzou Suzuya practically flew to the rim of the basketball hoop, sending the ball straight down through the net at an incredible speed. Clad in a white jersey with two red zeroes on the back and mismatched polka dot basketball shorts, Juuzou stayed clinging to the rim for a moment. He didn't seem to notice when the basketball ricocheted in Hide's general direction.

"BE THE ONE WHO GETS HURT," Kaneki shouted as he threw himself in front of his boyfriend. He misjudged the timing of his self-sacrificial leap and was on the ground before the ball was within even three feet of him. Said ball missed Hide's head, bouncing towards the bleachers behind him.

Kaneki stared up at the white lights on the high cieling above him. This gym, he knew, would become a battlefield, where he would go face-to-face against rival teams alongside Hide and the small crowd of basketball hopefuls peering down at him. His head was in the game, but his heart was in the song.

"Slam fuckin' dunk! Yeah! Ballin'!" Juuzou giggled, bringing Kaneki's attention back to reality. He let go of the hoop and landed on his feet with catlike grace and agility.

"Watch your mouth, Suzuya!" Coach Shinohara shouted as he hoisted Kaneki off the ground. "Anyway, you're definitely making the team. We need you."

"Cool fuckin' beans," Juuzou sang. He bounded over to pick up the ball, which had rolled under the bleachers.

Kaneki wrapped his arms around Hide, who patted him on the back and whispered lines quoted verbatim from SpongeBob SquarePants into his ear. "Firmly grasp it," Hide purred. "Firmly grasp it."

"Get a room," groaned a boy with a beauty mark who stood on the sidelines next to them. He would have been attractive if not for the disgusted expression twisting his features. Kaneki noticed through his tears that the boy wore leather gloves with his gym clothes. "Firmly grasp what? Ew..."

"Stop being so pissy, Urie!" trilled a tiny blue-haired girl sitting cross-legged on the bleachers, PSP in hand. "You buzzkill. You're just jealous because you're incapable of love."

"Not true," said Urie. "I love promotions. And this year I'm going to get promoted to team captain, now that Arima has transferred to another school. Just you wait and see, Saiko."

"Whatever," Saiko scoffed. "You're still a buzzkill."

Next to Urie stood two other boys, both somewhat odd-looking: one had an eyepatch and green hair, the other had shark teeth. Eyepatch appeared to have broken into a nervous sweat, while Shark Boy snorted with barely-surpressed laughter.

"Yer a riot, Urie!" said Shark Boy, one hand on his hip in a gesture of sharp-toothed sass. "Obviously I'm going to be captain this year."

"In your dreams, you marine predator fool," Urie quipped in response. "I am the next supreme."

"Urie, Shirazu...Do you two have to fight all the time?" sighed the sweating Eyepatched boy.

"This isn't fighting," Shirazu replied. "Ya wanna see a fight? Come at me with those stupid gloves of yers, Urine."

"You did not just call me Urine!" Urie screeched. He pounced on Shirazu, and immediately the two were tumbling across the slick wooden floor.

Hide covered his eyes. Kaneki held tight to his bae, unable to look away from the struggle between Buzzkill and Shark Boy. They flipped each other around repeatedly, displaying a detailed knowledge of Brazillian Jiu Jitsu. Frantic and blowing his whistle continuously, Coach Shinohara tried in vain to break up the tussle, but could not get a grip on the writhing pair.

Both Urie and Shirazu seemed totally unaware of Shinohara's attempts to pull them apart; they glared at each other without even blinking. Headlocks were exchanged. Urie slammed Shirazu onto the ground with enough force to shake the basketball hoop. At one point, Shirazu squeezed Urie's neck with his calves so tightly and for so long that Kaneki thought his eyes might pop right out of his head. Eventually, Shirazu and Urie had each other in a simultaneous headlock. Screaming, they both flailed their legs in an attempt to escape, causing them to spin around in a circle on the floor as if rotating around an axis.

"Holy shit," Shinohara said. "This is...this is beyond me."

"Get 'em, Urie!" Juuzou shrieked gleefully.

"Kick his ass, Shirazu!" Saiko yelled.

"Oh dear," muttered the eyepatched boy. "Oh dear, oh dear..."

"Help me, Mutsuki," Shinohara pleaded. "You know how to deal with this, right?"

"Unfortunately, I do it all the time," Mutsuki sighed.

With that, Mutsuki jumped right into the middle of the writhing, thrashing mess of teeth and gloves that was Urie and Shirazu. He grabbed both by the hair and pulled them apart, incurring a few bite marks to the cheek in the process.

"Couldn't you have done that earlier?" Coach Shinohara groaned.

"I don't like to get involved," Mutsuki muttered. "I'm just a simple student. All I want is to focus on my grades and get involved in some extracurriculars...It'll look good when I apply to colleges, you know? I don't even know why I'm friends with these people."

"Because the Twinx stay together, that's why!" Saiko shouted from the bleachers.

"Saiko, you nerd, I told you we will not refer to our squad as the Twinx!" Urie hissed. He was bleeding in at least four places. "What kind of nerd-ass name is that, anyway? Do I look like a gay porn archetype to you?"

"Yes," she replied.

"Yeh," Shirazu agreed.

"Urie, that's been the name of our group chat for months," Mutsuki sighed. "It's too late now."

"Well, twinks or not, I like you boys' energy," Shinohara said, shrugging. "With that fighting spirit, we might win a game or two. Who knows? You're on the team. Hell, you're all on the team. It's not like anyone else showed up."

"Wait, even we're on the team?" Hide asked, his eyes lighting up.

"Sure. Let me see you and Kaneki make some passes so I can see what kind of mess I'm getting myself into."

Suzuya threw the ball at Hide, who somehow managed to catch it. "Getcha head in the game, Nagachika!" he sang.

"Gotta getcha getcha getcha head in the game," Hide echoed. Kaneki scurried across the court to stand in front of his boo, who continued, "Ready, Ken?"

"Be the one who gets hurt," Kaneki muttered. He caught the ball with his face. "Be the one who gets hurt."

"Ouch," said Tsukiyama, who appeared out of nowhere. "Are you okay, mon amour?"

"The hell are you doing here?" Hide hissed.

"I have come to see the basketball shorts go _frou-frou_ around that _dolce_ booty," Tsukiyama proclaimed. "Instead, I see that mon cher is getting hurt. Tragedy!"

"Oh dear," Mutsuki moaned. "Not the flower man..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i forgot about this story. now i have remembered. gotta GET MY HEAD IN THE GAME  
> this is like high school ghoulsical


	4. kaneki visits the kirishimas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaneki and Hide are invited to the Kirishima household for an informal band practice, though Mr. Nagachika nearly kills them on the way there. Tsukiyama uses his wealth to lavish gifts upon Kaneki's...buns? Tatara throws up in his mouth a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first time I wrote this chapter, it was pretty great. Then I forgot to save the file, somehow, and I had to write it again. It is not as great. I apologize.

"America was going for the gold that year," Mr. Nagachika said, wiping a tear from his eye as he drove. This was the millionth time Kaneki had heard the story of how Mr. Nagachika won his first Olympic gold metal, but he was too polite to point that out. "So we're at the clean and jerk part of the competition -- clean and jerk, that's a lift where you take the barbell off the floor and then overhead -- and this American, he lifts 265 kilograms! He broke a record, right before my eyes. Everyone was going wild, but me--"  
  
"You kept your cool," Hide finished. He was still half-asleep, sitting in the passenger seat of the car and dozing off intermittently.  
  
"You bet I did!" Mr. Nagachika swerved into the left lane as he ruffled his son's two-tone hair. A chorus of horns sounded behind them. "I knew that I would have to go above and beyond if I wanted to win...so while the American still had that barbell lifted above him, I went right ahead and I lifted him _and_ his barbell."  
  
Mr. Nagachika flexed one bulging arm. Kaneki had no trouble believing this story -- in fact, there was a Wikipedia article about it. He was very glad that Hide's father never felt the need to snap him in two, because he easily could have done so. "That's amazing, Mr. Nagachika, sir."  
  
"Thank you, Ken. So who are these new friends you two are visiting?"  
  
"Ayato Kirishima and the rest of the school band," Hide yawned. "I don't even know why I'm invited. Kaneki's the one who joined the band, even though I told him it was a bad idea."  
  
"Son, when was the last time you made a new friend? I swear you and Ken have been joined at the hip since elementary school, and you haven't bothered to talk to anyone else at school ever since."  
  
In the back seat, Kaneki beamed. All he needed was his Hide. And maybe Tsukiyama. Touka was cute, too. "We're happy with just each other, though."  
  
"Yeah, and these band geeks aren't exactly friends," Hide agreed. "Ayato seemed pretty threatening when he invited us over."  
  
"You know what else is threatening? This!" Mr. Nagachika roared. Kaneki's face slammed against the window as the minivan flew into a right turn that occurred all too abruptly. "THIS IS HOW A REAL MAN DRIVES."  
  
"NO IT'S NOT DAD THAT IS HOW A REAL MAN CAUSES A TRAGIC ACCIDENT," Hide screeched.  
  
"Whatever," Mr. Nagachika grunted. "Looks like we're here, so get out of my car."  
  
Through the stars in his eyes, Kaneki could see the vague shapes of his classmates crowded into the Kirishimas' open garage. He and Hide clambered out of the minivan and made their way up the driveway to be greeted by Touka.  
  
"What's up?" Touka said.  
  
"Purple hair is very cool," Kaneki sputtered. Hide elbowed him. He looked hurt, so Kaneki continued, "but uh, so is sunflower hair, of course."  
"Uh, okay. Well, uh, I just wanted you to know that these awful band posters have nothing to do with me or the rest of my family," Touka explained. Now that his face was starting to feel better, Kaneki's vision was clearing. There were no cars in the garage, only band memorabilia -- posters, records, CDs, and guitar picks hung on the walls, displaying names like Insane Clown Posse and Slipknot. Kaneki had never heard of those bands, but for some reason, Insane Clown Posse reminded him of Uta and his strange group of friends.  
  
"I HEARD THAT," said Ayato, who was wearing the exact same outfit as when he had accosted Kaneki in the cafeteria. From the smell of it, he hadn't taken it off once since then. "SCREW YOU AND DAD, TOUKA. YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND MY SUPERIOR TASTE IN MUSIC."  
  
Touka sighed. She seemed out of place in the cramped garage, which seemed to be Ayato's space. The clique with which he typically ate lunch was sitting in cheap plastic lawn chairs, texting. Kaneki would not have noticed Tsukiyama if not for the smell of nice cologne, which stood out in the musty environment. He stood in the back corner, obscured by Yamori's hulking shoulders and Noro's looming stature. He winked at Kaneki, who blushed beet red.  
  
"So, uh, why did you invite us over here?" asked Hide. His hands were stuffed into his pockets and his shoulders were stiff; Kaneki rarely saw him looking so tense. "I mean, I don't really know you..."  
  
"Kaneki needs to learn his instrument," Tatara intoned. His voice was soft and unassuming, but something about it sent a shiver up Kaneki's spine. "He can't be in the school band sounding the way he does now. You're just here because we knew he wouldn't come without you, Nagachika."  
  
"DID YOU BRING YOUR INSTRUMENT?" asked Ayato.  
  
"Uh, I didn't think I would have to," Kaneki said. "I thought we were, y'know, just gonna chill and be bros...watch Netflix maybe...do bro things."  
  
Ayato looked horrified.  
  
"Lucky for you, Tsukiyama thought ahead," Eto chirped. "Using his extravagant wealth, Shuu here picked up not one but two spare clarinets, just in case you should somehow destroy one. He bought plenty of reeds, too."  
  
Kaneki beamed. "Wow, thank you, Shuu!"  
  
"'Tis my pleasure. Anything for you, mon amour." Tsukiyama proclaimed. He batted his purple lashes at Kaneki, who blushed again.  
  
"Did you just call him 'my love', you creep?"  
  
"No, I just called him my love," Tsukiyama explained with a half-lidded grin, putting one hand under his chin as if posing for an editorial photoshoot. He was definitely dressed for such a thing; his blazer bore the Versace logo, while his tie boasted the Burberry print. His shirt and pants both had Dior tags attached. The entire ensemble was both extremely mismatched and extremely expensive. "I don't know where you got that 'you creep' part."  
  
Hide opened his mouth to say something, but just sighed instead.  
  
"ALSO LUCKY FOR YOU, WE'VE ALL READ CLARINET FOR DUMMIES," Ayato announced. He put his hands on his hips, looking smug. "WE ALREADY KNOW MORE ABOUT CLARINET THAN YOU DO."  
  
"Could you teach me how to play That's What Makes You Beautiful, then?" said Kaneki. "I really wanna play it for Hide."  
  
Hide smiled.  
  
"NO, YOU PREP," Ayato howled. "WE'RE STARTING OFF WITH HOT CROSS BUNS. TSUKIYAMA, GIVE KANEKI A CLARINET."  
  
Tsukiyama tossed a black instrument case in Kaneki's direction, hitting him in the eye. "Be the one who gets hurt," he whispered. He sank to the floor and took the clarinet out of its case. It was truly a beautiful instrument, glossy black and clearly new. "Wow, Tsukiyama, thank you," Kaneki said.  
  
"Again, anything for you," Tsukiyama crooned. "How could I not lavish gifts upon those hot cross buns of yours?"  
  
Hide groaned. Tatara threw up in his mouth a little.  
  
Yamori cracked one knuckle. "Well, I didn't read that entire book in one night for nothing! Let's begin."  
  
"Okay," agreed Kaneki.  
  
"I don't care if your fingers bleed or your lungs collapse. You will learn how to play Hot Cross Buns," Tatara said. "And you will not leave until you do."  
  
Everyone in the room, minus Kaneki and Hide, was wearing ear plugs all of a sudden.


End file.
